Self-Soothing

I was recently in the midst of a conversation with a friend where we were talking about a variety of things related to parenting - co-sleeping, baby/child sleep in general, setting boundaries, indulgent parents who don't, strict "discipline" vs talking to children about consequences - the whole spectrum.
While we were in the sleep portion of our conversation, my friend said something along the lines of that children at some point need to learn to sleep on their own and to self-soothe. This we've all heard a million times before - that it's important for children to learn to self-soothe and to put themselves to sleep. It's one of those things that permeated my own childhood, that generations of parents have just assumed to be true without ever questioning it.

In the conversation with my friend, I even agreed to a certain extent with, "Sure kids need to learn to self-soothe, but why not let them do it on their time line, instead of the parents forcing them to learn on the parents' time line?" (meaning when parents let their kids cry it out  or send them to their rooms with their "negative" emotions). But as soon as I said it, it didn't feel right. I even immediately wondered if I had said it just so my friend didn't think I had gone entirely off the deep end - as I am kind of known for questioning everything when it comes to parenting, and my friend and I - while we adore each other - are very different parents with very different circumstances and lives and I sometimes do wonder if she thinks I have already gone off the deep end.

Nonetheless, I caught myself afterward, repeatedly thinking, "Really? Kids need to self-soothe? And is that what we are really teaching them when we put them to bed by themselves or letting them cry alone in the dark?" I even wondered if there had been studies done on if children had actually learned to self-soothe - and doubted it, given how many teen-agers "self-soothe" by drinking, drugs, stealing a credit card and maxing it out, cutting themselves, binging and purging etc. Then I even considered that if I had the credentials of a child psychologist or pediatrician, I might suggest or assert that most issues that crop up in the teen age years stem from NOT having successfully learned to self-soothe. And that when kids are left alone to deal with their feelings - or their fears - I suspect what they are actually learning is that it's not okay to have those feelings or fears. Or that they can have them, but those around them aren't interested in them.

Whether they do or not, what I came back to is that while -as an adult - I am able to comfort myself in a myriad of ways - usually by writing in my journal, walking or yoga, a hot bath - and the ways I comfort myself are pretty much the same as when I was a teenager, my favorite place to comfort myself is in conversation with someone I trust, and isn't that what I really want to teach my children? To talk things through with someone they trust and respect? And when they do this, doesn't this have them learn to be comfortable with their feelings and working through things, so that they are better able to comfort themselves when no one is available?

My son is two and a half, and at the age when his emotions can become a lot for all of us to deal with, but we've been talking a lot about emotions, when he's scared, when people get angry, when people cry because they're sad or frustrated, and when people are happy or affectionate. More often than not, when a kid is mean to him on the playground (sadly, we've already encountered bullies), my son balls up his fists, stomps, says he's angry, and then he's done. That's his "tantrum" or reaction. Then we talk about it, and dealing with what it feels like when people are mean, and that generally, when they are, it has nothing to do with us personally and so on.

It has been in these conversations, though, that I've come to realize that I really do think parents and culturally, we expect children to self-soothe far too young and that it's not because we think they need to comfort themselves, but more often because we're uncomfortable or don't like the emotions they're experiencing  - which is typical of people who were taught it's not okay to have negative emotions (or any for that matter). Just like babies and children don't necessarily need to "learn" how to go to sleep (given that it is human instinct), children will learn what comforts them as they grow up. But in the meantime, it's just as important for them to learn to talk about their feelings and experiences and what's bothering them.