Playground Etiquette: The Apology

It's inevitable. Hang around on the playground (some of us spend a lot of time at the playground) and at some point, one child will bump into another, take a toy, push on the slide, or in some way will do something inappropriate to another child. A parent will rush over and demand, "Now say you're sorry."

I've done it.

And I have a pet peeve with apologies. When I was teaching, students would walk in late, it would disturb the entire class, the offending student would mutter "sorry" while looking at the floor, and we'd continue the lesson. Until one day, when I couldn't take it anymore and launched into a lesson about apologies, accountability and responsibility. Because to me, this kind of apology is useless. It isn't about apologizing for anything; it's about getting off the hook or out of trouble. The student who walks in late, apologizes to the entire class and me for disrupting the lesson and discussion, in my experience doesn't exist. Yes, the lame apology is common to children, teenagers and college students. And yes, I've been guilty of doing the same thing - especially in my teenager and college years. The other apology sin I committed often as a teenager? Saying sorry just to make the other person (my mother) shut up.

For years, while I was teaching and shortly after, I said often that I hated apologies, because they didn't do anything. People generally apologize when they find themselves in socially awkward situations. Or when they're actually being dismissive (ie "I'm sorry you feel that way."). 

Somewhere along the way, our apologies have lost the accountability that goes along with them.

And somewhere along the way I changed my mind about hating them. I instead regretted that more people don't find value in them.

Sunday night, in a comment string on Dominique Browning's blog Slow Love Life, a reader lashed out at another reader. The lashing reader then apologized and somewhere along the way, everyone participating in the comment string ended up apologizing whether they needed to or not. At one point, one reader, said to not apologize. He gave the example of his grandmother who wrote him a letter telling him to never apologize, because it makes you look weak.

My tendency is to suggest that this kind of belief is more generational and cultural than insensitive- especially at the time when most of our grandparents were living and/or young and it was socially weird and awkward to talk about emotions or one's personal experiences or engage in any kind of interaction that might be confrontational in any way at all.

I couldn't help myself. I had to throw in my two cents (surprise surprise). I said something along the lines of that I have far more respect for people who apologize. And I don't mean people who merely say or mumble an "I'm sorry" to get themselves off the hook or out of trouble or to make the other person shut up (my poor mother I know...), but when people are accountable for their actions and the impact of those actions, I have far more respect for them.

To me, an apology isn't about shame or regret or being wrong or at fault - even if you were in the wrong or at fault. It's about being responsible and accountable for your actions and the repercussions of those actions. Just because you're the one apologizing doesn't mean you're a bad person. Generally, (I'd like to think) people have good intentions, and there's nothing about an apology that negates those apologies. Personally, I admire people like Robert McNamara, Secretary of Defense under Kennedy and Johnson, who years later in his book, In Retrospect: The Tragedy and Lessons of Vietnam admitted that he was "wrong, terribly wrong" for his actions that contributed to and escalated the Vietnam War. It demonstrated a self-awareness and personal reflection that we rarely see in politics. It was refreshing. And it's human. And in some cases, an honest authentic apology can be profoundly healing for those wounded.

So with children? 

When I was questioned about not punishing my son or not giving him time-outs? I said, I think kids learn the most from their parents example. The person I was talking to said, "but that's unrealistic. It means parents have to be perfect all the time." 

But I don't think so. Because parents aren't perfect (though I hate this word and think we need to redefine it when it comes to the world of parenting and children). How better to show your child that it's okay to make mistakes, apologize and try again? Honestly, I'd be scared to death of the parent who never apologized to their child. How does that child learn empathy or accountability?

And on the playground? 

My son is 2 1/2. He's at the age that if he hurts someone, it's by accident. He's at the age that it's useless to demand he apologize without further explanation. So I replay the scene for him, that he was doing whatever he was doing, in doing so, he bumped or hurt someone by accident, but he should still say he was sorry even if it was an accident, because he needs to be responsible for his body. 

I don't ever want to simply demand he say he's sorry. I don't ever want him to say he's sorry to get out of an awkward situation or off the hook or to make someone else (his mother - me) shut up. But I do want him to be aware that his actions have repercussions, whether he thought them through or not. 

Because I think honest and real apologies are courageous.