Reading: My Favorites on the Parenting Nightstand

 Part of my pregnancy nesting habits includes doing vast amounts of research. Truth be told, I can't even really blame this on pregnancy. I just am one of those people who leaves the library with a dozen books at a time and researches everything. But in pregnancy and motherhood, my research and reading habits hit a new high. Partly because my husband and I had vastly different experiences in our childhoods (i.e. His parents never talked about sex. They popped a Focus on the Family tape into the car tape deck and considered their job done. My parents, on the other hand, talked about sex, religion and politics so often at the dinner table, we habitually had friends over as dinner guests so they could get the scoop on what no one else was talking about.) and partly because we're the types of people who spend a lot of time, thought, and energy on creating what experience we want, it made sense to make a list of the qualities we wanted in our parenting experience (mainly fun, play, and respect for every family member, not just the parents) and then explore the options.  Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm revisiting my favorites.

Also, I was one of those kids who wrote in her journal incessantly, particularly when I was angry at my parents. Consequently, I have a series of journal entries throughout my childhood entitled, "Things I SWEAR I WILL NEVER do to my own children." You might say I had a promise to my younger self to keep. Not that my parents didn't have a lot of good ideas or things they did that worked. They did. 

But there were also a lot rules that didn't make sense, a lot of times I got in trouble without understanding why or what I was supposed to do to behave, or a lot of times I was accused of being manipulative when I was just asking for what I needed or was just doing what kids do,  and there were a lot of things that didn't work. At the time it felt unfair - that instead of being the given the tools to succeed, I was constantly getting in trouble or being accused of being difficult. Now as an adult, I can see the greatest thing about my own childhood is that it is a gift, in that because I don't revere the way I was raised, I essentially have a blank slate to work with in creating what kind of parent I want to be.

So I did - and do - a lot of reading. When I was recently asked for my reading list and I looked over the list of the books I had read, I got nervous. I was worried I would look neurotic. Then I realized I was neurotic and made my peace with it, and then just picked out the books I refer to the most and wish everyone had at their disposal. Granted, the ridiculous thing is that my guiding principle in child-rearing? I treat my child the way I want to be treated - with compassion and respect. Pretty simple really. Nonetheless, I have found the following immensely helpful and know that my good friends have to - as I've often followed their suggestions. And of course, if there are others please let me know! (I'm currently waiting for Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason from the library. I can't wait!)

Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille

                        I think everyone should read this book – it’s by far my most favorite book and Grille is my personal hero. He goes into parenting practices of the past and explains the evolution of how one generation improves upon the other, and he does so in a way that is compassionate without placing blame on previous generations for child rearing ideas that now would be considered abusive or just plain whacko. He also links shifts in parenting to shifts in philosophy and world events (ie why the Holocaust started in Germany, not France or England). It's absolutely fascinating and eye opening. This is the book I cite when I get lectured on why I should teach my child to obey (because when the Nazis come to town, I want my kid to be the one speaking up, not following orders.)

            You Are Your Child’s First Teacher: What Parents Can Do With and For Their Children From Birth to Age Six by Rahima Baldwin

            I read this book when my son was two, and it’s the one book I wished I had read before he was born, if only because of her insistence that you trust your instincts and your connection to your child. It’s a fantastic reminder to just relax and BE with your child – rather than rushing them off to some overpriced nonsense that advertises to increase your child’s aptitude for music, math and the arts and have them reading by the time they are done with diapers.

            Bright From the Start by Jill Stamm

                        I’m not one of those moms who wants her children reading by the time they turn three or is especially focused on future academic achievement. Mostly, I want to encourage my child’s natural curiosity and creativity, and Stamm offers the tools for this while also explaining developmentally what’s happening in the baby’s world. I find the more I understand the developmental phases, the easier it is to not take some of the difficult moments personally, since I know that whatever my child is doing is exactly the appropriate thing for him to be doing.

            The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik

                        I’ve long been a fan of Gopnik’s brother Adam and his New Yorker articles, but after this book by Alison Gopnik, I’d honestly do anything to be a guest or a fly on the wall at a Gopnik family Thanksgiving. Gopnik illustrates that babies are more conscious than we think they are, and even more conscious than adults are. They are busy little scientists and explorers, and while I was always in awe of my child, this book left me even more so – and just marveling at my son’s mind and in profound respect for his process.

            NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

                        Not necessarily a book that needs to be read before the arrival of baby, but definitely by the time a child enters pre-school. My husband teases me how I have my instincts about things, do a bunch of research until I find the people that agree with me, and then armed with their book in hand, I feel empowered enough to talk back to the people that suggest I’m off my rocker (my grandmother, an in-law or two or forty, etc). This is why I love Bronson and Merryman: they did all the research that I didn’t have to to know I’m making the right choices for my son (and baby to be). I have a huge pet peeve when adults accuse children, toddlers and even babies (!) of being manipulative or lying, (especially when kids are actually just asking to have their basic needs met), now I can confidently talk back and point out that they probably are – because they learned it from their parents. They also deal with why praising backfires, and why the evaluations for giftedness are actually off.                        

            The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter

                        Awesome. Essentially a great book for how to raise children that are valued and respected, rather than controlled (ie finishing their meal for approval’s sake rather than satisfying their own appetite, doing homework to avoid getting in trouble rather than for their own pride in their work and love of learning, etc.)

            The Politics of Breastfeeding by Gabrielle Palmer

                        I love this book even as Palmer gets on my nerves. She’s done an amazing amount of research and raises some really good points, mostly in pointing out why we in Western or more Industrialized countries have more issues with breastfeeding and it’s mostly because of the assumption that breastfeeding is time consuming and difficult and an inconvenience – an assumption that derives largely from advertisements from formula companies but now pervades society at large (as evidenced by the low rates of breastfeeding).

            Palmer gets on my nerves only because she comes across as rather positional, and I have a hard time with it, even as I know formula companies have pulled some pretty evil stunts around the world and gotten away with it. Still, it’s a book I think all mothers, OB-GYNs, mothers, midwives, lactation consultants should read, if only to begin to get that to some degree the hardships new mothers face in breastfeeding are largely society’s psychosomatic disorder (not that actual issues don’t exist, but I continually found it fascinating that traditional societies have a fraction of our “common” issues.)

            I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood by Trisha Ashworth

                        Necessary for every mother at whatever stage she’s in. It should automatically show up on baby registries for new parents or be handed out at birth. Moms/women end up on the receiving end of so much pressure and expectations from all directions, and Ashworth – while not offering her own stance of how we should raise our kids – deals with the pressure and expectations. It’s a refreshing read – one you want handy when you’re feeling overwhelmed, behind on laundry and maybe feeling guilty for ordering take-out again. Also for the valuable reminder: if you want to be a good nurturer for your bundle of joy, you have to nurture yourself first. (Because it's no fun being a martyr or having one as a parent (or in a marriage)).

           

            The Baby Book: Everything you need to know about your baby from birth to age 2 by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears, RN.

            Necessary in life. A resource for everything. Also good for the very wise advice that should be stamped on bumper stickers all over the world: If you resent it, change it.

            Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson (She has a whole series – for toddlers, the first three years, for pre-schoolers, teenagers, etc. She has yet to write one for family members, in-laws or grandparents though I wish she would because I could certainly use it.)

                        I’m reading this now as my son hits some of those tantrums that I know are largely because he feels disconnected or tired, but I don’t know what to do in the moment (you know those ones? “I want this. (flail) I don’t want this. (flail) I want this."  etc) and Nelson has gotten us through and reaffirmed my husband’s and my choice to not “punish” our child or even give him a time out (though I had also read the research on how ineffective time outs are – and Nelson essentially explains why with reason, not with the statistics I had read earlier.) I don’t agree with everything she says (I think her perspective on breastfeeding is weird as are her ideas that a 4 month old can be spoiled or manipulative (see above), but overall, she’s got some good ideas. As always, take what works, chuck the rest.