They Mean Well But...

In Monday's Motherlode, Lisa Belkin asks what do you make of parenting advice from people who aren't parents?

I said (because you know I commented) that in my experience, advice from parents who were a generation or two out of date was far more dangerous than from people who weren't parents at all, like, say, my sister, who knows my husband, son and I inside and out, has the same values as we do, but still has astute observation skills and picks up on things that we don't see, like, "Gee, ever since you quit buying yogurt, Fyo doesn't always have snot pouring out of his nose." How do I miss that I'm suddenly not always wiping my kid's nose? I don't know, but that's another post.

When my son was born, like all new parents, the advice poured in from people who meant well. My family, for the record, was amazing in refraining from advice for the simple reason that they believe the first few months of parenthood is all about the parents figuring out who they are as parents as well as who their baby is and what their baby needs. They assumed (rightly) that if we needed help or advice, we were capable of asking.

Even my grandmother, who completely disagrees with most my parenting, commiserated that when my dad was a baby, her mother-in-law told her to only feed him every four hours, which my grandmother did (because apparently my great-grandmother was so mean and bossy that if you disobeyed her you then committed yourself to a life of hell). Shortly thereafter, my grandmother's mother-in-law informed her that she should take her baby to the doctor because he was crying all the time and must be colicky.

My grandmother didn't take her baby to the doctor. She instead fed him when he cried and soon learned he wasn't colicky at all. He was just hungry.

People - even mean bossy people like my great-grandmother - do mean well. They also want to feel validated by you following their advice. It reassures them that they made the right choices in their own parenting.

And some people say things they've heard their entire lives without ever questioning them or realizing there's not an ounce of truth to them. The ones we heard the most?

-"Let the baby cry. It's good for its lungs." Really. It's an old wives tale. Just like leeching strengthens a person's veins, vitality and immune system. Why leeching fell out of favor but this saying didn't, I know not.

-"You know, if you're always holding the baby, it's always going to expect to be held." At the time, I had no way to deflect this other than, "but it's such a short time in the long run." Now that my son is two and a half, I can honestly say that he does not, in fact, always expect to be held, and actually, if you tried to hold him all the time, you'd end up injured. I don't know why people say this. Why have a baby if you don't want to hold it?

And along the same lines-

-"If you always nurse the baby to sleep, it's never going to learn to go to sleep on its own." I know it seems like babies have "to learn" how to go to sleep, but sleep is actually a human instinct, not a learned trait. Which is why babies have no issue at all putting themselves to sleep while they're in the womb. The difference? They're putting themselves to sleep when they're tired, not on your schedule. Babies do have different sleep habits and schedules and circadian rhythms than adults, and yes, there are habits and routines that help them learn how to organize themselves so they sleep at night, and less in the day (which is the opposite - near as I can tell in my current state - of their life in the womb), but babies fall asleep in a myriad of ways. Yes, I usually nursed my son down to sleep, which generally worked when we were ready for him to sleep, and yes, he also fell asleep in his sling or Ergo carrier when I was just walking around. Husband too put him to sleep by walking around with him. Sometimes he fell asleep in the car (but I can't say that worked for us they way people told us it would - I think the car actually made him car sick), sometimes he fell asleep by simply being held, and sometimes he fell asleep when I held him while bouncing on a yoga ball.

And again, now at two and half, he sleeps just fine on his own. And when we struggle with putting him to bed? It's because he's not tired and he's not ready to go to bed (though we are tired and ready for him to to bed).  We're not the types to adhere to a strict schedule or who think that come hell or high water, the child needs to be in bed at 8pm - because on the days that he naps until 6pm, this would be stupid.


In lieu of advice, people also pass along the books that worked for them and their babies. (I admit my family and I do do this - but only after we realize that we have similar values and want similar things for our children. I've learned a lot from other who are also parents and love the library and research as much as I do.)

And sometimes they pass on books that really should be tossed in the trash.

The first one that falls into this category?

Yes, indeed. The What to Expect When You're Expecting series. I know. The second you tell anyone you're pregnant, you find yourself with three different copies from three different people. I did anyway. And every midwife I've ever talked to has told me to toss it. Mostly because the advice about breastfeeding is off. Also, I found it to be really negative, in that while it tells you a little about what is happening with your baby, it mostly tells you what can go wrong or what you will suffer from. You encounter women who do nothing but complain the entire ten months of their pregnancy and it is like they read this book cover to cover so they knew what to complain about when. The Baby Center website also follows this pattern: "Congratulations! You've reached the third trimester! Your baby is now the size of a watermelon and it feels like it. Things you can expect to suffer from the next ten weeks include retaining water, varicose veins, sleepless nights, memory loss, back pains, leg pains, foot pains, cramps, nausea, fatigue, an apathetic spouse, insatiable appetite but only able to eat a bite, kicks to your ribs, jerks on the bus who won't give up their seat, men who say you're fat, leaky breasts, sore breasts because they too are the size of watermelons, mood swings, wild cravings to clean your entire house in the dead of night..." You get the idea.

I had a teacher in high school who always said that attitude determines altitude. It was a common saying long before the film The Secret came out and told us essentially the same thing, that what we think determines the experience we'll have. Not that women who exercise and eat well don't still come down with gestational diabetes or what have you. But there is so much in our culture that treats pregnancy as a disease and tells pregnant women to be scared of everything (mostly because people are scared they'll get sued - I can't even take a yoga class without being told what not to do. Like hello? I have a belly the size of Rhode Island. Do I look like I'm at risk for twisting myself into a pretzel or standing on my head?), do we really need more? I'd rather live and enjoy my life and my pregnancy. If something arises that I need to deal with, whether it's a health issue or an issue with my baby, I'll deal with it then. Stressing out about potential issues isn't good for me or the baby.

The other is the BabyWise series. Steer clear of it. Most pediatricians agree it should be trashed. The AAP discredited it (I think) about ten years ago. At the time, babies were ending up with failure to thrive issues and women were complaining that they couldn't make enough milk (which is what happens if you breastfeed your baby on a schedule or every four hours). Some people claim it has since been massively revised and the author no longer claims to recommend only feeding a baby every four hours or other ideas in his original book.  Still, a book that advises not to hold your baby because it's letting your child manipulate you? Well, I like Jane Nelson but when she said that I told her to pack it, and I say the same to BabyWise. But I say that to anything that tells mothers not to follow their instincts. There's a famous article about it, (albeit dated) here. I imagine it was this article, as well as being discredited by the AAP, that led the author to revise his book, but to my knowledge, the AAP has yet to reinstate it's support.


In general, I think part of becoming a parent is finding what resonates with you and what doesn't and a good chunk of it is listening to your baby and being connected enough to read your baby's cues. But it does help to have helpful and supportive resources when you need them.